Today I did something called “Circuit Training” in the gym on my lunch hour. It actually turned out to be more of a “Circus Training” experience, I’m not going to lie.

What it made me realize (besides the fact that I’m really, really, really out of shape) is that I’m never going to be one of those people at the gym who looks cool. See, all around me were people looking cool. I don’t just mean wearing lululemon workout clothes, New Balance sneakers, and ipods.

I mean people who were lifting weights of such magnitude that they required a spotter. Or people doing push-ups off an exercise ball with clean, controlled precision. Or running on a treadmill with a brisk, confident stride.

I even saw some people there in groups, “encouraging” each other. It was funny, because I saw two guys, and then a few minutes later two women. Here’s how that looked:

Encourager Guy, yelling at buddy lifting weights: “Come on! You’ve got more to do! Don’t slow down! What are you doing? You’ve got way more to do, man!”

Encourager Girl, yelling at friend doing pushups on an exercise ball: “Way to go, Amy! You can do it! You’ve got two more! You’re doing so great! Way to go!”

Gender differences at the gym.

Then, there was me. I don’t even know if you can assign a gender role to me at the gym. Probably the closest you can come is to say ”Looks like a slightly rotten tomato.” You know – red, damp, mushy, wilting.

The best part was the flashback to gym class back in the day. The lady leading the circuit training had the same haircut and glasses as my gym teacher did in Grade 10. And the same voice. Here is what she said to me on several different occasions:

(Alison on the rowing machine):
Gym Lady: “Alison, you’ve got to go faster than that! Come on!”
Alison: “I had a feeling I should be going faster.” Speeding up.
Gym Lady: “You call that faster?”

(Alison on the treadmill)
Gym Lady: Walks up, pushes “speed” button one million times, grins evilly, walks away.

(Alison doing the “Dead Bug” move with a yoga ball):
Gym Lady:”OK, one arm goes back and one leg down almost to the floor. Opposite arms and legs.”
Alison: “OK, like this.”
Gym Lady: “I said OPPOSITE arms and legs!”

(Alison doing Tricep Dips):
Gym Lady: “Here’s what you’re going to do.”
Alison: watching intently, “Oh, OK”
Gym Lady: “Hey! You can do it WHILE I TALK!”

(Alison on the recumbent bike)
Gym Lady: “What’s the resistance set at?”
Alison: breathless shrug
Gym Lady: “Oooh, good. I like to see it up that high.”
Alison: turns down resistance when gym lady walks away.

(Alison doing bicep curls)
Gym Lady: “Perfect.”
Alison: “Whaaa?”

The best part was, I had to meet a stately English professor in the library as soon as I finished the class. I’m pretty sure my hair was still sweaty and my skin was still flushed to a Christmas-y red.

Alison: “Excuse my appearance. I was at the gym.”
Stately English Professor: (Sounding slightly horrified): “Oh, my!”
Alison: “Yeah.”